july 19th 2010

wow, it's been ages since last i wrote- i'll try to be better about that, i always forget how truely theripudic it can be to write.

so, what's happened in the last few months? the biggest difference i'd say is that i am in a relationship!!!! to a guy i met online. his name is Rodney and he's got all the things i've always looked for in a guy- which makes it kinda hard not to get really excited about all the possiblites there, needless to say i'm very happy! but he lives in arizona and travels alot so i don't get to see him very often- which makes it hard but i'd rather date him long distance and see him when i can than not date him at all, and if all goes well i am fully prepared (and planning) to move, away from bend!!! which no-one reading this should be surprised by since i've been trying to leave bend for the last 9 years.

i'm still working my nanny job, and it's kinda consumed even more of my life since i last wrote, i still enjoy being with ailsa and love knowing the difference im making in her life but i'm getting more and more anxious for the time when i'm ready to step away and start my own life, live by my own scheual, and do all the things that i miss like crazy these days- like weeknight activites (dinner, bath and bedtime routine get old after a while) and grocery shopping (why i miss that- who knows). i think i'll finish out the year with this job and pray and hope that 2011 will bring some great new adventures!

what else to write? i've not yet won the million dollar lottery, or any contests for that matter so i figure its gonna happen soon! lol (fingers crossed) and oh i'm taking a REAL vacation this year (last one was in 2005) this vacation is to vegas!!!! with Rodney!!!! and it's a mere 30 days away, or 29 i guess, since i've slipped into monday morning during this late night typing session.

i think i might try to sleep again.... and if that fails, read for an hour and then try again.... goodnight all!

April 7 2010

i'm never gonna pretend to understand this life- why things change from amazingly wonderful to unbearibly painful in moments, but i will always try to find the lesson in the circomtance (after i cry a bit, lol) walking an upright life, a rightous life is an adventure to say the least.

at night, in the moments before i drift to sleep i think of all the things to come, i think mostly of love, and purpose, i thank God for all i have now but i pray for patience every night until he allows me to have those things i desire most and that this lonliness i feel won't swollow me whole.

i AM worthy of love, i have to believe that! and someday someone will love me!

 march 16 2010

hey there- i've been 27 for a whole 2 days now and i feel the need to assess, and for the record mark where i am in life- so that i later days i can look back and see the progress and such.

job- i am working as a live-in nanny! i've had the job for just over 6 months- and i love it most of the time, it's great to see the difference you're making in a child, in the stability and discipline side, and to grow to love her (or him), but it does sometimes make the ache inside grow stronger, when i tuck her in to bed and go through our routine or story, song, prayer... i can't help but feel the deepest longing to be a mom, to tuck my own children into bed. On the drive to school in the morning, i am ever aware that i am going through the motions of the life i long for more than anything. Swimming lessons, tai-kwon-do, cartoons, reading, bathtime- it is as much a part of my life as it is any mom i know, but the difference is that some day (not too soon) i'll step out of this role and she will continue to grow up, i am not a perminent fixture in her life, and though she might need me now, she does have two parents who love her very much and will be the ones who walk with her through lives biggest ups and downs, not me. I love that i have gotten so much practise (though it seems sometimes that i've been practising parenting my whole adult life) i just look forward to the day when it will be REAL!

money- i am blessed to have a job that includes (as part of my pay) a car to drive, plus the insurence and gas, free room and board, and food- but with the money i make i'm slowly knocking away the debt that the first 27 years of my lift built up- not much but even an ant hill can look like a mountain from the right angle. i enter about 100 online contests a day, in hopes that someday i'll win enough to become debt free in one swoop! and maybe start saving towards the day when my life will be expensive again! and towards the big events that i hope will come in the next few years.

love- i am, i regret to inform you- still single! can't say that i'm thrilled with that- infact i can say that i am most definatly NOT thrilled with that, but i have two choices in the matter. i can 1-go out and search, and find me a guy who will date me and maybe more down the road or i can 2- wait and trust that God has a plan better than mine! so once again i resolve to let God be God, in EVERY area of my life, even this most precious one. and that in his time i will fall desperatly and madly in love with the man he's chosen for me! and THEN i'll be a wife and a mom, and try to enjoy myself in the meantime.

family- my parents are healthy and happy, working towards big goals and living life as usual! My older sister is married with a beautiful baby girl (who is one of the biggest joys ever) and she is enjoying every moment of it! My younger sister is in a kinda inbetween place, but she's taking time off from working and trying to get her life in order, she'll get there! My younger brother is a new man (so weird to call him a man when he's always been such a kid) he's turned his life over to God, surrendered his old life and is working to build a new one- sober and on fire for God! and sunny- my little doggy just turned 9- shes entering her senior years and mellowing a bit, she's still my cuddly little baby, every time i go to the parents house she is glued to my side!

and well- i guess that's all, the overall summery of my life as it is today. there are a few things i would change if i had the power (or i suppose- the desire to take the control away from God) but i'm learning day by day the gift that this life truely is.

 march 12 2010

what if the wind is just a clever cover up- to satify our need of logic. what if the real reason that the trees bow and the leaf's dance is because they simply can't stand still any longer- overwhelmed by the pressence of the almighty God- thick in the air.